How Money Becomes a Weapon of Control

And how to recognize the patterns that keep survivors trapped

The Pattern Nobody Talks About

She had two master's degrees. A successful career before the marriage. She could negotiate million-dollar contracts at work—but couldn't explain why she needed $40 for groceries without a interrogation.

He earned six figures. Managed a team of 50 people. Made complex strategic decisions daily—but his wife had passwords to all his accounts and he had to ask permission to buy lunch.

This is financial coercion. And it's one of the most devastating—and least understood—forms of control in abusive relationships.

Most people recognize the visible markers of abuse: raised voices, physical intimidation, isolation from friends. But financial coercion operates in the shadows, creating invisible chains that are just as binding—and often harder to escape—than physical violence.

The Real Reason Couples Fight About Nothing—And Everything

Why you and your partner keep having the same fight—and what attachment science tells us about breaking free

You've had this fight before. Maybe a hundred times.

Your partner criticizes you for working late again, and you defend yourself by pointing out everything on your plate. Or you ask why they never want to talk anymore, and they retreat further into silence. The topic changes—dishes, money, parenting, sex—but the dance stays the same. One of you reaches (often with an edge), the other retreats. Repeat until exhausted.

Here's what most couples don't realize: That's not a communication problem. That's an attachment panic.

And that changes everything about how we fix it.

This Isn't About Who's Right

Couples often believe their problem is what they're fighting about. If they could just agree on the right parenting approach, the correct budget, whether to visit family for the holidays—then everything would be fine.

That belief is completely backwards.

Research from marriage scientists John Gottman and Sue Johnson shows that the content of your arguments is almost irrelevant. What matters is the pattern underneath—the emotional dance you've fallen into when you don't feel safely connected. Gottman calls it the Demand-Withdraw cycle. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, named it the Protest Polka.

Source: This article is based on the YouTube video "Ex-Jehovah's Witness Meets with Elder Father After 2 Years of Shunning" from the Cults to Consciousness channel, featuring an interview with Alyssa Watson, a survivor of the Jehovah's Witnesses organization, conducted by Shalise Ansola. Alyssa's story illuminates the devastating practice of shunning and its impact on those who leave high-control religious groups. Her experiences provide the foundation for exploring the clinical and psychological dimensions of this form of coercive control.

When we think about coercive control, we often focus on overt manipulation or physical abuse. But one of the most devastating tactics used by high-control groups is something far quieter yet equally destructive: systematic social isolation through shunning. This practice doesn't just damage relationships—it fundamentally alters a person's sense of self, safety, and belonging in the world.

What Shunning Really Looks Like

"The second we were announced as no longer Jehovah's Witnesses, it was radio silence. We had friends and family—friends and my in-laws are like less than a mile from our house. So I see them at the grocery store, you know, out driving around or just at Target. I'm at Target all the time and I run into them there. They don't look at you. If you are on the same aisle and they see you, they turn and walk the other way. They pretend you do not exist. Everyone we've ever known has blocked us on like all social media. It's intense. Like you literally are dead to them. Like you don't exist in their life anymore."

A Therapist's Guide to Protecting Your Peace

The holiday season is often painted as a time of joy, connection, and celebration. But for those who grew up in high-control families—or have left authoritarian religious groups—the holidays can feel less like a celebration and more like walking back into a psychological war zone.

If you're dreading Thanksgiving dinner because you know an interrogation is coming, or if the thought of spending three days with your family makes your chest tight and your jaw clench, you are not imagining things. And you are certainly not alone.