My family and church shunned me. Can therapy help?

Yes. Therapy can help you grieve the people and community you lost, untangle the fear and shame that came with leaving, and rebuild a life on your own terms. You don't have to decide what you believe now to start.

Why does shunning hurt so much?

Shunning can remove family, friends, and community all at once, often the whole support system someone has known since childhood. The people cutting you off may still be alive and nearby, which makes the grief confusing. Many people describe it as a loss no one else seems to see. Holidays, weddings, births, and funerals can reopen it, because those are the moments a family is supposed to show up.

It often comes with a message that you're the problem: that you're lost, rebellious, or a danger to others. Even after you leave, that voice can follow you into ordinary decisions.

What does therapy for shunning and religious trauma focus on?

It depends on what you need, and you set the direction. Common areas include:

• Grief for family, friends, traditions, and the future you expected.
• Fear and shame, including fear of punishment that was taught early.
• Sorting out your own values from the ones you were required to hold.
• Practical rebuilding: friendships, boundaries with relatives who still reach out, and holidays.
• Understanding how high-control groups work. Frameworks like Steven Hassan's BITE Model (Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional control) can help explain why leaving was so hard.

Is it normal to still feel pulled back?

Yes. Missing your community, doubting your decision, or wanting to belong again are all common. Those feelings don't mean you were wrong to leave. They mean the loss was real.

It also helps to know you aren't alone in this. Many people who've been shunned find comfort in hearing from others who left, through books, groups, or therapy.

Janice LaFountaine, MS, LMFT works with religious trauma, shunning, and recovery from high-control groups, by telehealth across Washington and Idaho and in person in Chattaroy, near Spokane. Learn more on the religious trauma therapy page, or read the article on shunning and religious trauma.