Missing someone who hurt you is common, and it makes sense. Relationships that mix harm with affection can create a strong bond, and your nervous system can crave the good moments even when you know the relationship wasn't safe. Missing them doesn't mean you should go back.
Why does the bond feel so strong?
When kindness and hurt come unpredictably, the good moments feel brighter. Relief after a fight can feel like closeness. Over time, the same person becomes both the source of pain and the source of comfort. This is often called trauma bonding. For people who grew up with unpredictable care, the pattern can feel familiar, even like home.
There's real grief here too. You may be missing:
- the person they seemed to be at the beginning
- the future you planned together
- routines, a home, shared friends or family
- the version of yourself who believed it would work out
Grieving those losses is normal. It doesn't mean you were wrong to leave or wrong to protect yourself.
Does missing them mean I made a mistake?
No. Feelings and decisions are different things. You can miss someone and still know you're safer apart. The longing is often loudest when you're tired, lonely, or facing something hard, because that's when the old comfort pulls. Notice what you actually miss. Usually it's specific moments, not the whole relationship.
What helps the longing ease?
- Write a short, honest list of what happened, in a calm moment, and read it when the longing hits.
- Limit contact and reminders where you can, including checking their social media.
- Spend time with people who knew you before the relationship, or who are getting to know you now.
- Be patient with your body. The pull is a nervous system response, not a character flaw.
Some of this doesn't respond to logic, and that's where trauma-focused therapy can help. Approaches like EMDR work with the memories and body responses that keep the bond active. How long healing takes depends on many things, and there's no right timeline.
If you're still in contact with the person, or thinking about going back, a therapist or domestic violence advocate can help you think it through with your safety in mind.
Janice LaFountaine, MS, LMFT helps people heal after harmful relationships, by telehealth across Washington and Idaho and in person in Chattaroy, near Spokane. Learn more on the trauma therapy page, or read the article Is It Really Trauma Bonding?
If you're in crisis or feel unsafe, help is available any time.
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, for safety planning after an abusive relationship: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788